I was walking down library walk two days ago when I passed a guy giving a tour to five or six high school girls. They walked past a table of some frat guys selling lemonade and paid them what I thought was way too much attention. High school girls.. can't blame them. As I passed by the tour guide asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. I heard psychologist, scientist, and Supreme Court Justice. I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself at hearing the guide ask them with 100% seriousness what they wanted to be when they grew up, like it was the 5th grade and once they answered he would pat them on their heads and smile, saying "That's nice." But then it got me thinking, for the past three months all I've been thinking about every day is what I want to be when I grow up. Because really, the question isn't any fundamentally different than "What are you doing after graduation?" or "What are your plans for the future?" Those are really just more mature ways of asking the same question I've heard since I was five. The only trouble is, before I had years and years to think about it, and I could still say things like "I don't know" and get a smile and a pat on the head and reassuring "You'll figure it out," or something to that extent. Now the deadline on an answer is fast approaching. Three weeks in fact. Today is three weeks to the day until graduation. If I say that enough times it's sure to cause a mild anxiety attack and possibly lead to another dead nerve and a root canal.

It's not that I have no answer as to what I want to be when I grow up, it's a matter of feasibility. When I heard one of the girls on library walk say she wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice I thought, Yeah good luck with that. But who am I to talk? Everything I want is pretty much up there on that level of unattainable things except through the ever-so-slimest of chances. My whole life I've heard that, If you work hard enough you can have anything mantra. It's one of the things this country was founded on and what still drives it today. But the reality of that is that it just doesn't always apply. It applies to a lot of things, and in a general way. But when it comes down to it, hard work doesn't always pay off. And I'm not talking about working hard to get elves or fairies or flying gold horses. I'm talking about things that other people have or do but just aren't attainable for everyone, regardless of hardwork. It's nice to think that hard work will get you anywhere, but I think the truth of it, at least as far as I see it in this pessemistic, apprehensive mood of mine, is that you work hard enough to get you somewhere close enough to what you want and then settle there. But maybe that's just me. This certainly doesn't apply to everyone and everything. Most people I know will go on to be the graphic designer-journalist-indie filmmaker-doctor-dentist-lawyer that they want to be, but I just don't see it happening for me. So maybe I should just suck it up right now and set my sights a little lower, make my goals more realistic, have no expectations. It lessens the possibility of the inevitable disappointment...

Or maybe my anxiety attack was written this time...