"..the world will not end if you tell the truth about how you feel."
--Since You Asked
Maybe the whole world won't end, but mine will. At least that's how it feels. And that's what always seems to happen. I tell the truth, I'm upfront, blunt, if you will, and it all goes to hell. Everyone always talks about how it's not good to hold things in and you have to let them out and crap like that, but I'm not so sure. I really don't see where it's gotten me. In fact, there are things that, if they were to spread to even one person, would be borderline apocalyptic. Seriously.
Alright, I guess I know that's not true. I guess I've always managed to pick myself back up and soldier on in one way or another, but that doesn't mean I want to do it again. I'm not brave enough. The reprecussions could be catastrophic and I just don't have the strength to deal with that anymore. I've been told that I'm strong because time and time again I'm faced with these situations that are utterly crushing and yet somehow I still manage to put myself back together and move on without being too jaded or too cynical or too scarred. But I tend to think it's the opposite. I'm not strong. If I were strong I wouldn't have let it happen again. I wouldn't have let my gaurd down, wouldn't have invested so much, would've taken some precautions. But I don't. And I'm weaker for it.
On the other hand, who am I to argue with an advice column? Part of me thinks I need to face this head on. Say everything I want to say and just see what happens. Could it really be that bad? Yeah, it could. But maybe I just need to deal with it. Maybe I should just purge all this shit that I've wanted to say for so long and then move on and be done with it. But when am I ever done with things that easily? Dammit. Why are things that are so petty and insignificant in the larger scheme of the world so difficult and so complicated? I guess the world really won't end one way or another, but MY world, the one that, as self-centered as this sounds, matters most to me right now, feels like it will come crumbling down if I go either way. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit. (Classy, I know.) I give up and give in to sleep. (Dammit.)