Alright! I give up! MTV wins! I have yet again fallen for this year's Real World, Road Rules challenge, only this time it's Battle of the Sexes *duhn duhn duhn.* I watched for an hour and a half tonight and I will admit that I'm all too curious as to how Monday night's and all other subsequent episodes play out. Here's the thing though: I was really excited to watch because Latarrean was on and he just happens to be one of the most beautiful things to grace a "reality" show. The man is HOT. But the problem is, he already got kicked off! The first two challenges were just not in his favor and he didn't do well so he had to go. So sad.. soo hot. *sniffle* Oh well, I guess that's one reason for me to not get sucked into the show and be mad addicted like with the one last year. Damn MTV! Damn them and their drug-like shows: of poor quality, yet possessing and oddly addictive effect.

I took my puppy to campus today for the second day. All I can say is that she got mad ass play.. from girls. Walking around campus practically every girl I passed either stopped to pet her or cooed over how cute she was or at least gave her a long look. (The guy I was with was way jealous.) I don't mind that she gets mad ass play and that she's hella jocked, but why can't she attract some Y chromosomes too?? She did manage to get a few looks from guys and even struck up a conversation or two, but it was nothing compared to the girls. And the thing about that, I know the guys wanna stop and pet her and play with her as much as the girls do. If anything they want to play with her more cuz she's a tough dog. She's 3/4 pit, 1/4 lab, that combo screams guy dog. But no.. the looks from dudes were few and far between. This if of course not to say that I'm just using her to try to get guys (clearly it's not working), it's more of a disappointing observation. So for my single guy friends out there, if you ask nicely maybe I'll let you sit on library walk with her for a couple hours. You know you want to.. =o)

For a large part of my life I have wanted a dog. In the past year or so seemingly everyone but me has gotten a dog, and I have petted and played with them, but never had one to call my own. On Saturday I got one. As my Christmas present, Kat got me a puppy and brought her down to me. For the first time in 21 years I was a dog owner. I had a puppy to play with and cuddle and love and take ridiculous amounts of digital pictures of and coo over and have everyone be jealous of and she was all mine.
At this point you must all be ridiculously jealous of me and are thinking, Oh how lucky! I want a puppy too... The thing is though, I can't keep her. In the beginning it was admittedly hard. Really hard. I've been cat lady all my life. It was quite a new experience to be puppy girl. There was stress and much crying, but it was definitely a learning experience. As things started to get easier with the biting and the 'accidents' I realized more that even once I worked out all those puppy kinks, there were still some things I couldn't get around, try as I might. For one, we're not allowd to have dogs here and there's just no way I could hide her for six months. And even if I managed to do that, it really wouldn't be a great life for her. After seeing her play with other dogs and run around and go outside I just couldn't bare to bring her back to my little apartment and keep her couped up in my not so huge room, which will only get less and less huge as she gets bigger. So I have to giver her up. Now the crying isn't so much because of the stress.
I haven't really been with her since yesterday morning and I miss her already. I admit that it's nice to come home and not have to worry about when and where she might go. But last night when I came home in the middle of the night I was sad that she wasn't here. And tonight, when I was alone in my apartment, half moping, half watching tv, one-hundredth doing homework, I really wanted her here. I know I've only had her for about a week but I've become pretty attatched. I miss her little puppy face and big paws. I miss her putting those big front paws on my bed when she wants to get on it but can't quite manage the jump yet; and her following me in and out of the room and then eventually plopping down under my chair to go to sleep. And I miss the way her big puppy ears flop around when she's doing laps around my room. The thing about having her around is that it's hard for me to get things done when she's awake, and when she's asleep all I want to do is sleep too. But when she's sleeping I still can't really sleep. If she's sleeping with me I worry that I'm gonna smack her with my hand or that she'll fall off the bed (which she did twice actually, but just went back to sleep once she hit the floor) or that when she moves even the slightest bit she wants to get up and get off the bed. [It really is like having a baby.] But not having her here has just made me miss her. She was supposed to be my little friend. She was supposed to come put her head on my leg when I'm crying and keep me company when I'm alone. She was supposed to be that unconditional friend when all else fails (or just leaves). But like I said, I have to give her up.
I'm sure at least a few of you (if there are even that many of you reading this) are thinking that I'm being way overly dramatic about all this, that it's just a dog and I've only had her for a week. And maybe that's true. Maybe six months or a year for now I'll look back and think, Yeah I had a dog for a week, no big deal... But right now it's a big deal. Right now it's the only deal. So I'm going to be dramatic. And I'm gonna say things like, At least I got to have her for the week, and, It was a great learning experience, and, I'm really attatched and really care about her. It's all true. She's my pup-pup, even if only for the week.

Christmas happened and it was good. I got a digital camera, like my little heart desired. Now I can take 5000 pictures of nothing and send them to all the people who sent me 10 gajillion pictures. (You know who you are, be afraid.) As I was unwrapping the camera I was really happy that I got it, but at the same time I half expected it. And then afterwards, I thanked my mom but there was no hugging involved. I remember the days when there was hugging involved; when I wanted something so bad and I never really knew if I was getting it and then I was so excited when I did and I would give my mom a big hug and there was Christmas cheer in abundance and somewhere angels got their wings. That doesn't happen anymore. Which isn't to say that I necessarily want to go back to my days of childish giddyness (although at times I think some might argue that I do that anyway), but I'm sure my mom sometimes wishes I were still like that. I try to express how happy I am about what I get and how much I appreciate it, but I know it's just not the same as when I was little. And it makes me think that if I'm having this hard of a time reconciling whatever it is that I'm trying to reconcile here then it must be 10x worse for my mom. I think this is actually the first time in my life that I've really stopped to consider how my gorwing up has or does affect my mom and my family. I realized that more today when I was having lunch with friends from elementry school and their parents, all of whom I've known for the past 15 or so years, and then we broke open a few wine coolers. It's a very odd day when for me when my mom tells me to crack open a bottle of alcohol.. (err.. "alcohol"). I'm not sure if it's just the holidays or being home and being around my family again or what, but as of lately, more than a few things have made me realize how old I am and what stage of life I'm generally in. The other day I saw my cousin who I haven't seen in over a year. For the past few years every time I've seen him he's asked when I'd be legal. This time I got "Welcome to adulthood." Later when I asked him for info on bars he said to call him and we'd go out some time. It was a little bit strange because we're not really close at all, but at the same time that exchange was years in the making. It was even stranger when just a few minutes later he said that I would perpetually be 14.. Not something I'd really like to hear at this point in my life when I'm trying to establish myself as an adult, and at the same time convince myself that I actually am one. This whole thing about age and where I am in my life has been a little more in my face with my family and 18+ clubs and ski resort youth rates, but I'm sure it'll pass soon. I guess that's the beauty of college. It's one sure place you can be surrounded by people who are generally in your same age range and just about as established as you. It's one place where both your maturity and your immaturity are validated and accepted. It's just too bad I've only got 6 more months of that...