Ahh to be home and in the fog. I know it always happens but I never seem to pack for it. Go figure...

I saw "Bend It Like Beckham" tonight. It was so good! I've been hearing about it off and on for a while now and I finally saw it. It was good! It was a good story with a good flow of conflict climax and resolution sequences all within the whole film. Just kidding! I will not geek-out on this one. It was just a really good story and it was done really well. Plus--I have to say it--the guy was cute! He was okay in the beginning, but once he he turned around at the door in that white shirt... mmmm.. it was all good! But I digress... Anyway, I recommend. And if someone can tell me where I can buy that'd be great cuz I'm having a bit of trouble with it.

Oh. Silly me.. the highlight of all this "Bend It Like Beckham" stuff was that we were the only ones in the theater! Not even kidding. Not like normally when it's a tuesday night and it's me and whoever I'm with and a handful of other people. I mean like there were actually no other people in the entire theater. It was great! The beauty of that was that we were free to talk as loud as we wanted and make whatever comments we wanted without disturbing other people.. just like at home.. except the screen was still big!! It was great! I'm thinking from now on it's just all private screenings.

I'm definitely not drunk. This much I know. But I am buzzed. And I know that not because I'm sleepy or my lack of inner-monlogue is worse than normal or because my typing is a bit off or because I'm not quite understanding things so well. I know that because I want to talk to boys. Certain boys. I will not name names because there is no need for that and because I'm not entirely sure if I actually want to talk to those certain boys, but I do. And I do this when I'm buzzed/faded/drunk. I don't know why that is. It's like me + alcohol = wanting to talk to particular guy of minute/month/year/lifetime. (What's that about anyway?? I need to quit that.) So there has been alcohol. Earlier there wasn't much wanting to talk to certain boys because I was entertained and around other people. But now that I'm home I really want to reach for my pretty new cell phone and see what number I call. Of course I won't. But ya know.. the thought is there. The question is, of course, (especially for all you boys) which boy(s) am I talking about? I don't think it's all that obvious. Because it's not so obvious to me. But I bet you're wondering if you're one of them or if you know.

I have realized that there is no point to this whatsoever. That last paragraph was just about the least unique thing I could possibly think of. But alas, I have been drinking.. and that is what happens. Oh yeah.. here is the problem with drinking and having even less of an inner-monologue. It also makes it that much harder to hold my tongue. And that's not always easy when I'm sober. But never fear, things that should not be said have not and will not be said.

Anyway, I dunno why I'm coming off all drunk. If I take two seconds I'm actually fine. The reason I went out and had a drink tonight was because I'm back in San Francisco and Lisa's cousin and his friend are visiting so we went out with them tonight to be hospitable and whatnot. It was cool. Good to be back in the city if only for a few days. And it's especially nice because the weather has been great here lately (so I'm told) so it was a really nice night tonight. Anyway, I should probably shut the hell up with my ramblings and get to work. Yes, I have mad ass work to do this weekend so that it doesn't all kick my ass next week and finals and over my birthday and stuff. Work will be done. I'm resigned to that..... More quasi-drunken ramblings later.. when I'm actually drunk.. like tuesday of finals week... yeah baby!!

I was walking down library walk two days ago when I passed a guy giving a tour to five or six high school girls. They walked past a table of some frat guys selling lemonade and paid them what I thought was way too much attention. High school girls.. can't blame them. As I passed by the tour guide asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. I heard psychologist, scientist, and Supreme Court Justice. I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself at hearing the guide ask them with 100% seriousness what they wanted to be when they grew up, like it was the 5th grade and once they answered he would pat them on their heads and smile, saying "That's nice." But then it got me thinking, for the past three months all I've been thinking about every day is what I want to be when I grow up. Because really, the question isn't any fundamentally different than "What are you doing after graduation?" or "What are your plans for the future?" Those are really just more mature ways of asking the same question I've heard since I was five. The only trouble is, before I had years and years to think about it, and I could still say things like "I don't know" and get a smile and a pat on the head and reassuring "You'll figure it out," or something to that extent. Now the deadline on an answer is fast approaching. Three weeks in fact. Today is three weeks to the day until graduation. If I say that enough times it's sure to cause a mild anxiety attack and possibly lead to another dead nerve and a root canal.

It's not that I have no answer as to what I want to be when I grow up, it's a matter of feasibility. When I heard one of the girls on library walk say she wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice I thought, Yeah good luck with that. But who am I to talk? Everything I want is pretty much up there on that level of unattainable things except through the ever-so-slimest of chances. My whole life I've heard that, If you work hard enough you can have anything mantra. It's one of the things this country was founded on and what still drives it today. But the reality of that is that it just doesn't always apply. It applies to a lot of things, and in a general way. But when it comes down to it, hard work doesn't always pay off. And I'm not talking about working hard to get elves or fairies or flying gold horses. I'm talking about things that other people have or do but just aren't attainable for everyone, regardless of hardwork. It's nice to think that hard work will get you anywhere, but I think the truth of it, at least as far as I see it in this pessemistic, apprehensive mood of mine, is that you work hard enough to get you somewhere close enough to what you want and then settle there. But maybe that's just me. This certainly doesn't apply to everyone and everything. Most people I know will go on to be the graphic designer-journalist-indie filmmaker-doctor-dentist-lawyer that they want to be, but I just don't see it happening for me. So maybe I should just suck it up right now and set my sights a little lower, make my goals more realistic, have no expectations. It lessens the possibility of the inevitable disappointment...

Or maybe my anxiety attack was written this time...

According to Hershey's, I, unforunately, am not an instant winner. Go figure.

I had a root canal today but I did not mind in the slightest because it was almost entirely pain free. More and more I like my dentist. I was actually pretty interested in what he was doing since having been talked through the whole thing a few days ago. Today, however, was not a mirror in hand watch what's going on kind of day I guess. That's okay. I could basically figure it out by the exchange of instruments and "accessories." I never knew dentists had accessories. That totally changes my view of them. Kidding! But it really was a good root canal. And plus the weather made up for everything. The weather lately has been great. There are skirts and dresses involved. It's a good thing. And it's distracting me from the fact that the quarter is quickly winding down and there is still much up in the air. Speaking of, I've really gotta get started on my final project. If anyone has any of the following movies on video I'd really really appreciate if I could borrow them: Dirty Dancing, Knight's Tale, Pulp Fiction, She's All That, Moulin Rouge, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Shakespeare In Love, Westside Story, Flashdance, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Dance with Me, Save the Last Dance. Let me know. Thanks!

Tonight I met a guy and he kissed me on the cheek when we met. I don't think that's ever happened before. Not that I remember anyway. It was totally nothing but it made me wonder, what breeds guys like that? It's curious... very curious... (she said in HP like manner).

I realized the other night that I'm never going to take another midterm. Strange that it didn't occur to me at the time. I can only assume that it's because of all the drugs I was on. But yeah.. no more midterms. Now I'm just staring down the barrel of my last finals ever. (Or at least for a while) Strange.

I'm tired again but not quite ready for bed. I don't particularly have much to do in terms of homework and what I do have I don't really feel like doing (of course). Oh! Time for a blockbuster run!

Saw The Matrix tonight. I have to say I was quite impressed. I'm not usually one to be all "oooooh special effects".. but I was.. a few times. And not only were they really cool but I thought they were really well done too.. with the exception of one scene that looked a little too HP Quidditch scenes CG. But othat than that it was dope. Even despite my on-the-spot deconstruction of racial representations, subtext, and visual elements. I swear, all these film classes I'm taking and the ones I've taken before are really ruining movies for me. I spent a fair amount of time identifying ambiguous space, surface divisions, and aspect ratio. Not to mention noting where the focal points were and what kind of tensions it created. Then I couldn't help but notice the largely ethnic cast, and moreover, the non-white, non-Christian cultural representations. And of course I couldn't help but note the stark contrast between the sleek, hi-tech world inside the Matrix and the almost primitive-like real world, each with their own analogous color scheme. And I even noticed the music. I usually notice music but generally when it's a song or something. This time I was rather taken in by instrumental arrangements. The whole experience was a bit overwhelming for me. A little strange. But in a good way.
There is more to say on other things but for now I'm tired. Goodnight moon.

The saying goes "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be." Internet left me, it has returned, and now I know that we're soul mates. "What we have goes beyond friends or lovers." Yes, internet left me for a few days. We both needed our space.. time to think things out. But all is resolved now.

So in internet's absence a few things have happened: I spent ridiculous amounts of time working on a project. It was quite an experience. There were high points, there were low points, there was pizza and a puppy. All said and done the project turned out well and it was worth the long stint there, especially since I put no effort into prior.

I went to the dentist again today. I was there for two hours but what they did only took about 20 minutes. But I was able to catch up on the 50 Most Beautiful People. Nothing really to say about the teeth except that they're still all there and the root canal has yet to happen. But if I understood correctly, I think it's coming next wednesday. (Someone wanna pick me up afterwards when I'm all drugged up and in pain?) Dental tip for today: when giving injections use a pediatric needle.

I was strong-armed into taking an IQ test. What does fallicious mean?

There were other things I meant to/wanted to write about when Internet and I were apart but I forgot. Big shocker.

One of tonight's gems:
F: I've been hanging out with boys a lot lately.
L: That doesn't mean you have to be an asshole.

Lisa says that most of my blogs lately have been on the lesser kind of good side. With the exception of the highlights from a little while ago I'm inclined to agree. So here is a happier blog, if you will... and you will..

I went to the dentist on monday and it was GRRRREAT! Tony the Tiger style. Not only did he get me almost totally out of pain but he's the freakin coolest dentst I've ever met! Hell, he's just a cool guy. I was a little nervous just cuz I was in so much pain and I was meeting a new dentist and stuff but he was totally cool. And he explained everything. He explained about stress and saliva and teeth grinding (you know what I keep in the lining) and he even got out his real human skull and explained about clicking jaws. It was awesome! I almost want to go to dental school. (Billy I'm so excited for you!) I went back to him again today and again he was super cool. And I'm happy to say that I can once again eat solid foods. Woohoo!

Let's see.. other woohoo things..
I got an extension on a paper that was due tuesday. Now I have til friday. yay.
A certain person was being quite nice to me post dentist appointment. Although that's entirely irrelavent due to circumstances that shall remain as vague as possible.
Oh. Ha. Here's a good one. This one goes out to Crystal and Loni.. way old school.. Last night Pat, and in turn Billy, were humming a bit of NKOTB's "Cover Girl." Didn't quite believe it when I first heard it.. but then when they repeated it a number of times there was no mistaking the "Oh! oh oh.. Oh oh oh.." It was lovely. Just lovely.
I made a good sandwich today. That made me happy not only because it was good, but because it was solid food and I could eat it and there was no pain. (Although there was a bit of a funny taste from the temporary sealant in my tooth.. but whatever.)
Lastly, I watched a really good documentary on Deathrow Records.. in the name of schoolwork! Swear. I'm using it for my doc editing project. But it turned out to be really good. This project might actually be sort of enjoyable to do. Ya know, barring any and all project destroying mishaps...

So yeah, those are the highlights as of late. It's much easier to enjoy things when I'm not in pain5000 and things aren't all crappy. There are still a few things.. but ya know.. those are sorta always there. Such is life.... Time to be productive again!

I really don't know what there is to say except that I am in pain5000. It's to the point where I'm just sort of numb and uncomfortable, thanks to the drugs, but I know that in a while the pain will come back like no other. I've never been so looking forward to going to a dentist before. It really just needs to be tomorrow 8:30 am. I want to sleep a lot so that it'll get here sooner but sleep is actually more painful. And I need to study but I'm far too distracted for that. And watching tv is sadly out of the question. This is not a good day.

A few highlights from the past few days:

* Making a dentist appointment! I never thought I would be so excited to make a dentist appointment, and I never thought I'd say "I really, really can't wait to go to the dentist" but I'm sayin it. I made the appointment friday, now all I have to do is make it til monday morning. It sounds much easier than it is. Lately the pain has at times been so bad that I've wanted nothing more than to burst into tears and curl up into a tiny tiny ball. I've had to up the amount of Motrin I take and I can't always take it with food so I'm pretty sure soon my stomach is just gonna start eating away at itself. The sort of good thing about it though is that the only time I can be seen is Monday morning and I just happen to have a midterm then, but my professor it being cool about it and letting me make it up. Haay! It's really only a difference of a few hours and I won't have any extra time to study, but at least she's being cool about it so I can take care of this. Anyway yeah, so I really can't wait for it to be monday--midterms not withstanding.

* X-Men 2. It was good! Nightcrawler baby! I thought that maybe that would be the mutant power I would want, but then I was reminded that in order to have that I'd have to be blue and have a tail. I decided that if I were going to be blue I might as well by Mystique because then I could have anyone I wanted. (And contrary to popular (Tom) belief, no I would not pose as certain people's girlfriends!)

* Reading "Ring" (yes, it's called "Ring" not "The Ring") and actually finding myself a bit affected. I got all into the Japanese versions of The Ring and then found out there was a book and wanted to read it. Now I am and it's good! It's different from the movie but if you pay no mind to that it's pretty good. Big ups to Tom for surprise ordering that for me. [Why do you have that pink, girly lookin book?? =o)]

* Seeing Billy fall out of his chair twice in a row. Yup, twice. Two times. In a row. Never thought I'd see the day, let alone twice in under two minutes. That was great.

*Getting a ride from a certain someone. I will say no more because I'm not the homewrecker that some (Pat) might have you believe.

*Listening to the rain fall [cue International Foods Coffee commercial music]. Yeah yeah I know. But it was actually sort of nice. It's much better than hearing it pounding down on my skylight at home and keeping me up at night. Too bad I also had to hear the water running through the gutters sound too. That sucked.

That's pretty much it for now. Time to start studying and continue being in pain.