Just when I think I'm getting more comfortable meeting new people or doing new things I meet a 5'million" woman and I'm back a few rungs on the being intimidated ladder. It doesn't take much with me. But let's be real.. tall girls are intimidating. I'm not the tallest of girls but I'm not so short, so when I meet a girl significanlty taller than me, I feel a little.. well.. little. The other day I met a girl who is the copy editor for The Guardian. I walked in pretty confident cuz I figured, hey, copy reading.. this I can do.. this I'm good at.. sheeit... And then I saw her. Pretty girl. *gulp* And then she stood up. She was a giant! clearly she's naturally a tall girl, but she had boots on too! I swear I was craning my neck just to talk to her. That put me in my place.. Eek! A couple days later I was supposed to meet with her (but I 'flaked') and purposely wore shoes with a high heel, just to try to put me up at her height and bring down the intimidation level. Needless to say I will try this again when I actually do meet with her.
I don't know what it is about me but I really have a thing about being taller than people.. or more so... people being taller than me. I don't really notice when I'm taller than other people, but I tend to notice quickly when other people are taller than me.. and I don't like it. Even guys. Typically I like it when they're taller than me, but there have been times when a guy has been significantly taller than me and it's intimidated the hell out of me. I know they're "supposed" to be taller than me and they probably don't even notice it at all, but something about it just bothers me sometimes. It makes me feel little and young even though they're quite often baby-faced first years and/or dumb as bricks. Conversly though, sometimes when I'm wearing heels (and especially when I'm around people naturally shorter than me) I just feel like a giant. Chairs and toilets seem like such a long way down whereas hoping into a high car is effortless. Guys who were once the perfect height are just about eye-level and somehow not quite as attractive for it. Other guys are actually shorter than me and I start to wonder if they're suffering from the same giant woman syndrom that I suffer from when I'm around a girl taller than me. I don't know why or where this little quirk came from but I'm thinking it's one that's not going anywhere soon.. oh well. Guess I better start breaking out my heels.

I'd like to go on record as saying I've met a grammy winner. HA! I can say that now that John Mayer won his first grammy for best male pop vocal performance. I hate to sound as ridiculous as I know I'm going to but.. I'm so proud. My little singer/songwriter is all grown up and winning grammy's. I guess the secret is out on him. I remember back when no one knew who he was.. thought I was nuts for listening to him so much... (okay yeah, so that's still true..). couldn't understand why I had to get concert tickets off ebay... chuckled when I was so excited that I met him... yeah.. who's laughin now! Oh. so proud! It was a good grammy's. I only see good things for this kid...

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! going nuts! lots of energy! must release! can't find enough things to do!

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

telemarketers: do not call and then once i have said that whoever you're asking for isn't here start saying "hello? what? hello??" i WILL hang up on you with a quickness.

american idol: do not drag every damn little thing out into a 3-minute segment. i just don't care.

american idol contestants (especially the girls): you're not that cute. stop acting like it.

he who shall remain nameless: stop being a biatch.

reading assignments: stop being boring ass mo-fos.

YOU'RE ALL DRIVING ME BONKERS!!!

Ah Valentine's day... It has come and gone, and I have to say, it wasn't at all terrible. In fact, I had a rather enjoyable day. I'm not generally a huge celebrator or dispiser of valentine's day; it's just another day. Admittedly, on and around The Day, I will occasionally look at couples with mild contempt and/or scorn, and I will occasionally look at/talk to/think of whatever particular guy with just a smidgen of longing. But this year, none of that. Not at all. Valentine's day crept up on me like a chester, and then when it did come, I was nearly unphased. I say nearly because, instead of the afformentioned behavior, I was actually in a good mood. I don't know if it was the lack of rain and the welcomed appearance of the sun, or that I was done with a long week of midterms, or what, but I was in a good mood. I woke up inspired to run out and get candy and flowers for some of my friends. And my trip to the store was quite pleasant. The sun was out; there were guys in the flower section buying one, two, a dozen roses, a small bunch of daisies.. (it was the cutest!); I think some not bad looking guy was checking me out a little; I went and bought a yummy sandwich from this bagel place and the lady who works there was the cutest!.. overall it was just a very pleasant little shopping trip. And then when I came home I found that I had turned into my mother and I was putting festive candy into even more festive foil bags covered in hearts and topped it all off with pink ribbon.. (Okay, so maybe my mom's are better than that.. but whatever..) I have to say, it wasn't bad being my mom. I rather enjoyed it. As did I rather enjoy putting ribbon around flowers. (I don't know what it is about these flowers but they're just so cute. I can't help but admire the ones next to me in the Wyder's bottle.. It sounds ghetto, but something about it is actually quite cute.. I think it has something to do with the bottle matching the flowers.) So I did all that and then I went to deliver everything and then I just hung out. Hanging out was good. The day was so completely unspecial that it was nice. No thinking about guys, or couples, or whatever. Don't get me wrong though, there are a couple boys out there who I really would not have minded as my valentine.. (Hey you.. yeah you.. how you doing?) But anyway yeah, I was just in a really good mood yesterday and I subsequently had a good day. All days should be as lovely. As should all days include flowers of some kind. Anyway, I'm really just starting to ramble now. That can only mean one thing: nap time!

For the last month I've had the slightest glimpse of what it might be like to be a parent. A single parent at that. Yes, taking care of a puppy is like taking care of a baby. They need constant care and attention, they can't be left alone for long periods of time, they do bad things, but it's hard to get mad at them because they are just the cutest little things ever... or, at least, mine was.
Tonight I had to give up my pup. I knew this was coming and it's for the best--she's gone to a family with a nice home and yard and even some kids to play with--but I still miss her. Admittedly she was a little monster at times, but she was my little monster. I guess I should be glad that I got to keep her for as long as I did. At one point I thought I'd only have her for two weeks at most, but for an untold number of reasons, I had her for the month. In that month I had a lot more time to get attatched and take those 5 million pictures that new parents take (and apparently new dog owners too).
In the beginning she stressed me out to no end. But as I got closer to having to give her up the more and started feeling like a dog owner. It came easier to say things like "my dog" and give people all the info on her breed and age and temperment and whatnot. The longer I had her, the more attatched I got. On those few days that I had a break from her (big thanks to Tiff and Eric!!), I was relieved at first to be able to do things without having to worry about her, but by the end of the day I missed her. I miss her now. I liked having that little puppy face around. I liked watching her wrestle with and eventually fetch Hippo. It was nice to have her curl up at my feet and go to sleep, and then later come put her head up on the bed when she saw me go to bed and wanted to get up too. Even when I was on campus and a friend was watching her, I found myself walking faster and faster to get to her, even if just to see her for a minute. More than once I acted out that running-through-a-crowded-area-to-hug-someone-slow-mo-style scene. And of course puppy would coming running towards me, there was jumping, licking, tail wagging... (and she was happy too.. ba-dump-bump!)
But she's gone now. She's at her new home, probably asleep right now. I took me a long time to get used to having her around, but I think it's gonna take a while to get used to not having her around now. My room is oddly quiet; I'm bored and alone; I can go back to doing laundry and going running and just plain going out without worrying about having a puppy sitter or if she'll cry or if someone will hear her or see us. It's basically just going back to my life a month ago, but it's been quite a month. I guess all I can say is that at least I got to have her for the month. It was a good month.. now I just miss my puppy...

If there is one thing that I have yet to learn it is that I should not read old stuff. Old emails, old journals, old notes.. none of it. It's bad for me yet I find myself doing it about every six months or so. And every time I do I tell myself to stop and not to do it again.. but I keep on comin' back.. (huh.. sound like other things? yeah I'm a sucker like that.)
Last night when I had planned to work on my personal statement I got caught up reading old personal statements that I had written for various applications and classes. It was one thing to see my writing style and to pick out the little mistakes that I'm sure I didn't notice the first time, but it was quite another to take in the content. I was reminded of more than a few things that I had all but completely forgotte about, and others that I'm still trying to block out. Tonight I continued my trip down memory lane reading old emails that I wrote and that were sent to me. My first reaction is that a lot of stuff has happened in the past not that long. But at the same time, that stuff was all such a long time ago. But whether it was three weeks or three years ago, reading about it again brings it all back in a flash.
With some of the bad things it's hard to read about them again and not have those bad feelings and the hurt and whatever else come back. My initial reaction is to head straight back to all those thoughts and feelings and start mulling them over again. I actually have to stop and remind myself that it was a long time ago and a lot of things have changed and put it all back into perspective. With other things, happier things, it's really nice to read about them again and be reminded of good times and a better day and whatever it was that was important enough for me to want to tell someone about it. And then there are those things that fall somewhere in between. Those are the things that were happy at the time, but reading about them again--especially from my perspective then--is really only bittersweet at best because of what has since transpired and whatever bad things happened after that. Those are the things that make me realize that at one point things were better, and that make me wonder how this bad spell came to be, and when they'll get better again. (Just to footnote, most of what I'm talking about refers to me and my friendship with whichever unnamed person and the drama that seems to accompany those particularly special relationships with me.)
The thing about all this is that it's really no surprise to me. It happens every time I read old stuff. I've been doing it for a good four years now but I still haven't learned. I know that it will almost without fail send me into some kind of funk, and that the more I read and the bigger funk I'm in, the more I want to continue to read. I really don't know what my deal is with all this but it's something that I should maybe try to get over. I guess in the end it just really makes me miss certain people. But that's an entirely different subject. For now I'll just got back to reading old stuff and then put it all out of my mind with some mind-numbing textbook reading.